baked spiced ricotta pears

∼

fall is turning to winter

a time of year when i always look to baking as a form of warmth + comfort

days get darker, shorter, colder

in trying to teach myself to turn to good memories, i remembered pears

i have always liked but never really loved pears

for some reason unbeknownst to me, pears were always somewhat of a forgotten fruit

when i think of beloved fruit, pears rarely even spring to mind

but i think of pears and i think of my father

dessert after dinner for him would very often just be a piece of fruit

very simple, very italian

i didn't really understand the concept of fruit as dessert when i was younger,

usually preferring the richer, sweeter, more decadent cakes + candy

but i still remember him handing me some fresh-cut fruit after a meal, and me accepting this offering

i have since grown to fully understand and appreciate the placement of fruit in the dessert category
on a recent trip to the farmers' market, my eye was drawn to a box full of bosc pears

i ended up baking them
 no recipe involved, but i took inspiration from whatever ingredients i had on hand that day-

fresh sheep's milk ricotta

cinnamon

allspice

almond milk

leftover freshly brewed morning coffee

maple syrup

vanilla

∼

on distraction

~
sometimes you try really really hard to think of anything else but

but your mind always draws you back to that one place

some people, places, events, memories are far too difficult and far too unwieldy to just place carefully in a box and push to the back of your consciousness

some memories refuse to be boxed up

they overflow, they spill out

demanding to be recognized

demanding to be relived

over and over and over again

it doesn't matter that it hurts

it doesn't matter that it makes you cry

and cry and cry and cry

some of the hardest memories bring back bad habits with them

ones you thought you left behind

ones you tried so hard to keep in the past

one slip-up 

that's all it takes

but all of this is ultimately good

hurting might be painful but at least it's feeling

expressing those feelings is a good thing

no matter who or what tells you
"don't-" or
"just be-"

sometimes it's important to remind yourself that feeling real feelings is okay
and expressing those feelings is even better

and so i write cards and letters to the ones i love
i take photos and begin personal projects which make me feel better
i talk to the few good ones who talk back
sometimes only listen which
can help even more

anything to
make me feel like i'm still moving
still breathing

i dream but i'm still real
this is real

distraction is temporary
feelings last longer
∼

photos below are of things i liked from a recent trip to chicago

stained glass windows by chagall at the art institute

the winter garden at harold washington library

good light + food at the allis at soho house

sunny morning hang-outs on the balcony of my airbnb

golden peacefulness at lincoln park conservatory

best breakfast + coffee of the trip at caffe streets
~

"are you okay??"

~
most people don't want the honest response.

a handful of people do.

a handful of people want realness, want secrets spilled, want feelings overturned.

ask the question, but don't expect or look for the response.

don't ever assume you are owed an answer.

the asking is what's important.  

~